ispottedanimpinnewyork.com

Impsitos Chilenos

2007-11-29T13:52:00.000-08:00

Imps may be found in any climate, culture, or cliche.

Below, observe una impsita chilena, spotted riding la línea verde from baquedano to bellas artes. (going to see el museo nacional (claro, claro.))

It can sometimes be difficult to spot los triksitos, but you can still look for the standard hints:

A: hair-o-sass w clip-zorrs.
B: huge suns.
C: gloss like wo.
D: big'n'swingy 'rrings.

imps circle line

2007-10-21T11:42:00.001-07:00

So just circling around on the circle line the other day and spotted an imp. Looks like this one was headed from Barbician to God knows where. Note the ridiculous necklace and the heavy eye-shadow - perfect for an evening out. We're thinking that this could be related to the opium graffito epidemic (see below) and also Dizzee's debut. Residents of Islington and the City should be on the lookout.

Sea-Imp

2007-09-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

Breaking News!!!!
I'm writing in to report a spotting of a rare "sea-impsie" this past weekend. These creatures, while not shy, regularly disguise themselves as hapless atlantic tourists, all the while muttering "flotsam...wot...jetsam...meh...swimmies yea." Although a photog was present for the sighting, his camera mysteriously ceased to work, lending creedence to the belief that seaimpsies can control the use of all cells and cams in their immediate vicinities. This power is also readily apparent in the txt-bombing tactics of land imps ("it wasnt us sir, we didn't send no txts 2 ur cell." "Yea wasn't us wuz it? wot wot.")
This seaimp was seen frolicing in the intertidal zone on the north atlantic coast, rolling in betwixt sand and sea, and flippin' the bird at the camera all the while.
One can only hope that such spotting will continue, and that these splendid yet reclusive creatures will one day be fully documented in all their molin' glory.
Roger, over and out.

OI OMG whr U sLAgs @? copprs wize! ...wtf bbq %@$!!!

2007-09-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

A word about imps and cellies (or mobiles)...

Imps love mobiles. A gaggle typically only has one tube pass, which they all use (when they aren't just hopping the turnstiles) but the EACH have at LEAST one cell phone (and often a two-way pager in addition). They particularly love text messages, which they use all the time, with tons of abbrevs (see entry title). The group always tries to get some sort of family plan, and usually one of the larger ones (with texts of course) but individual overusage is sometimes brought to task by the group...

Annoyed impsie: [scowls, looks about menacingly]“So we's was wondrin'...who's usin' all the texts and mins?!!”
Contrite impsie: [still squeaky but sullen] “Errrr...me.” [raises hand demurely]
Disgusted impsie: “Stupid git.” [whack!]

The Fav Five feature of T-Mobile is very popular, although it can cause some drama if someone outside the gaggle is named as a member's Fav. One of the groups Fav is usually a favorite drunk prank call number, like the quickie mart that busted them nicking or the JC Penny's that had them booted from the mall after they had given all the manikins “make-overs” (bad makeup jobs in colored Sharpie). These calls are brief, calling late at night huddled around the phone (on speaker) and making drunken vague and frequently nonsensical threats before hanging up amidst incapacitating giggling. Boost mobile is also sought after due to it's street appeal and two-way feature, which is very convenient for coordinating hijinks. (“[BLEEP] Where U @?!!! The copper's wise!!! [BLEEP]).

And then there are the ringtones. These are always set at the highest volume, and are from their two fav genres, trance or teen pop/'ip-'op. They change them frequently, and the ringers are often a recent favorite theme song the group has taken to singing along with at bars and nightclubs. This singing occurs whenever the phones go off (which is a lot, they will sometimes just call each other when out in the gaggle to hear the ringers) or when the song is played at a bar or club. It is loud, off key, and often contains wrong words and continues long after the phone has been answered, or the DJ has moved to a new track. Currently, a favorite is Lil' Mama's* “Lip Gloss”, the appeal of which should be, by now, obvious to the astute reader. Declarations of “our gloss is POPPIN'!!” has become commonplace around low-cost beauty shops and Sainsbury's personals sections.

And finally...Never, EVER lend an imp your phone. Ever. The consequences can be dire indeed. I just had to get a new one after mine was returned, after two weeks, with the battery duct-taped to the phone, the language set to Mandarin Chinese and every tone, from keypad beep to ringer, set to “My shit is bananas...B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!” (they LOVE Gwen Stephani...and, obv, Fergie).

*Highly suspected to be an imp herself. Has the hoodie, the sass, hoops, and clearly the gloss, but sun and cellie data is currently unavailable. High volume two-way pager use is suspected. More observation is necessary.

Run-in with the copper...

2007-09-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

This interaction was observed between a policeman and a imp gaggle in a Quckie Mart outside King's Cross Station in London (which has fantastic Fanta selection, our correspondent reports) during an attempted nicking of pixie stix and choco (to put in Sparks, or Diamond White, for snorting through a cra-z straw* while on the tube) from the quickie mart...

Copper: “Oy...what you's doin'? I got a report of candy nickin's in the neighborhood, wot?”

Impsie #1: [in squeaky voice] “No Suh, we wasn't nicking no candies, we sweas!! We's honest payin' customers, we are!”

Impsie #2: [lower, from the back of the pack] "Yeah, we's bought some crisps." [holds them up, just an arm sticking up from the gaggle..they are curry flavor.]

Copper: “Yeah, well I'm watching youse. You lot is thick as thieves, you is..."

Impsie #1: [squeaky] "We ain'ts thick!"

Impsie #2: [lower] "Yeah...and we ain'ts thieves, NEE-vuh..."

[gaggle cackles] "yeah!" "YEAH!!"

[The gaggle scurries about and autoabsconds to go eat pixie stix with pita from Edgeware Rd.]

Of course, they didn't pay for the crisps. It was on the rack right next to where they had been standing. But they took the crisps with them too.

* Here is a pic. Goodness. Well, it's not using a straw; instead, it's using the wrapper itself (anything for a pixfix, they can be very creative...). Notice the remarkable ability to hold the cough and drag while snorting the "pikkie Nikki," as they call it. I don't even know what to say about this. This kind of depravity is so shocking, so striking, even for seasoned impwatchers. No mean feat, I tell you, but if you ever think you've seen everything from the impsies...you are sorely mistaken.

Circle Line Spotting

2007-09-13T01:15:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well. Look what imp snatchers Matt and Matt found whilst riding the circle line to The Monument [Alight here for Bank of England] last night?

I don't think I have to tell you.

It started out here, in sunny Soho by this industrial warehouse. Thought I saw some funny shit going down so I circled it a few times and moled it. Nothing. After hitting up several bars in the area and getting slightly intoxicated, went to the kebab shop but found nothing. Damn.

Later on, though, things started to get interesting.

Yeah. Circled it up a little bit. Matt decided the best route to take to meet Samira + Aly for dinner at Pizza Express would obv be the circle line. Duh. So we took it from Bayswater all the way to Monument. Looks like the imps have hit again.

Opium? Can't we be a tad more original than that? I can just see the gaggle who graced us with this graffito now. Probably were on their way to get some triangular sandwiches at Aldgate East and decided to write their favorite narcotic on the doors. Smart.

Londoners should be advised that imps will abound this coming month. Mostly due to the upcoming Dizzee Rascal promotion album concert.

M4ths and Eng£ish indeed. Loves it.

Oh yeah. And looks like Victorimp Beckham has a "book" out. Great. Let's have a book club and read it.

Chitty Chitty

2007-09-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

Awright chavs, time to get your loafs outta your bottles. It's come to my cell that your magdalen of chitty chitty leaves something to be desired. Being in the black is essential for the recognition of cocknimps. Immediate waters of this language is essential for all imp harrys. Prickly is necessary for complete officer in chitty chitty. A weekend at the beach at my cat, having a bowler over pigs and marys would go a long way.
More info can be found here.

L-imps?

2007-08-21T07:02:00.000-07:00

we spotted these little impsies infiltrating a "lesbian night" at the Funky Buddha... presumably they are not, in fact, homosexuals, but rather simply appeared to wreak havoc and partake of $1 drink specials. upon learning that they could get their vodka-cran-lime's for $1, they were seen jumping up and down, shrieking "wants it wants it gives us ten!!"

note: "hustler" hat on left impsette

Imps @ the bar

2007-08-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

Another impsie run-in at a bar...and involving slushy drinks. Look at this one. It is ridiculous. For some reason it has its suns off, but no matter...It is still obviously an impsie, and it is in NO MOOD!!! Observe the haughty and sassy demeanor, with impy hand on impy hip (or in handbag, hard to tell...) Lips primed, pursed and ready for immediate gloss application. Feisty gum-popping will soon commence...

Right before this was pixed there was a little altercation amongst the imp posse. The little lushes had settled on the strawberry daiquiri flight as the meal for the evening, and had already been causing quite the ruckus from the first round of ordering. (to the barkeep: “Yeah, gives us the straw'bry daquiris, extra 'brollys...and no virgin ones, nee-vuh!” “Yeah, we likes them wit' booze...and 'SPERIENCE!!” ) While slurping through the fourth or fifth course, a heated argument arose regarding the relative attractiveness of David Beckham broke out. Amidst bold declarations of various vulgar atrocities they would be willing to incur upon “that stupid slag cow Posh” for but one night of impy lovemaking with Becks, this one was audacious (or stupid) enough to declare beloved Beckham “not all that” and purported Ricky Martin to be his superior in looks as well as a lover. Perhaps one too many tequila daiquiris, I daresay. This was met with raucous indignation (“Yeah, 'es good in the sac if you're anotha' POOFTAH!!!”), and the poor Ricky supporter had quite the mic taken out of it. Resenting the IMPlication that it's beloved was a bit limp-wristed, it sulked off to the corner of the bar, applied mango flavored gloss and treated the bar to the entirety of Ricky's Greatest Hits album from the jukebox. Initially this was met with catcalls and hissing, but after another couple rounds of sugary slush, the outcast was brought back into the fold during the groups' dancing and singing along (sort of) to Martin's “She Bangs”. “We's bangs we's bangs...oh baby when we's moves's, we's moves's...” and so on, and by the time they had started just pouring daiquiri on each other instead of drinking it and preparing to run out on the tab through the bathroom window, all had been forgotten.

Here are some pics, judge for yourself! Who's the hottest? Becks, Ricky, or Ricky's boyfriend...*

And then there's Posh. She is CLEARLY a celeb-imp. Tell-tale suns, cell (is she working some double-cell action there?!), extravagent jewelry, and silly tattoo. Look at her. She is ridiculous. Buy her fragrance. You know the imps did...

* Okay okay, that is his half brother. But still. The pic is hilarious.

ImpZ captures itself in a meta-post-post modern pix

2007-08-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

Um. Yeah. This imp thought it was "trixy, what?" but it caught's itself with its own camera. LOL. I find it especially fitting that this little treat pixed itself through the medium of suns, an impzish accoutrement if there ever was one. Also, we loves the mustache, barely visible in the bottom right hand corner of this slightly disorienting but rather well-composed pix.

As we can see here, the pix is divided evenly into three portions. This does not exactly correspond to the rule of thirds, but impz aren't really ones for conforming to standard practices, artistic or otherwise, now are they?

IMpz go to the doctor.

2007-07-28T05:37:00.000-07:00

Date: July 2007
Location: Undisclosed hospital in BX, NY
Found: Imp creating chaos and mayhem- engaging in mischief with medical instruments- please alert. could directly impact health of hundreds of hardworking and/or homeless Bx, NY natives.

Impz cleanse.

2007-07-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

Date: July 27, 2007
Location: Bronx, NY
Found: IMP engaging in some sort of facial masque for the betterment of skin condition and general appearance. how strange.

New Impspotter on teh prowl...

2007-07-26T20:43:00.001-07:00

Right you slags. Listen up. Wha' wha'? A new impspotter has been activated, innit. In full effect. So massive it's gonna...Wai'...got a ring on the other line...'ello? Wha'? She didn'. SHE DIDN'!! She did, stupid cow. eh? Wha'? Innit. Lay-ah.

'ang on. Gotta txt me mate. [txtxtxtxtxtxt] . Yeah. Right.

So. Peep this impsie. Among the many tell-tale signs of its impsieness are: huge suns. cellie multitasking. adidas. (pronounced AH-dee-dahs) and huge ridiculous alcoholic beverage that's getting a bit sloppy. (in this case it's a 'rita with a straw, but it could have easily been a bucket of sparks, or vod-cran w/red bull). Later in the evening, the imp-gaggle gorged on fish tacos and the like, and the straw was cleverly IMPlemented to spray melted 'rita at unsuspecting patrons. This prompted an altercation with the management, during which there was a great deal of cackling and scampering about, squabbling in broken Spanish (¡No fue nosotros, señor! ¡Nos swearamos!!! ¡Ja ja ja ja!!) ending with the collective autoabsconding by the whole lot. A ridiculous sight indeed.

Anyway, it's a pleasure to finally be on board. I'll be out circlin' and molin with the rest of ya's, and soon as I gets me own cam, I'll be pixin' as well. See you slags lay-ah!

ps. oh right, the bio...

Dan Gingold
Age: 22 yrs
Location: Chicago, IL
Occupation: Lab-bot. Expert on the -ologies of imps (bio-, physio-, pyscho-, morpho-, semio-, techno-, etc.).
Strengths: Runnin', jumpin', climbin'. Also extreme freestyle walkin'.

ImpZ in the adverts, apparently!

2007-07-26T03:09:00.000-07:00

Oh, just made a few observations you know when I was circlin' around the other day...

Ah, the arches of the circle line. Watch out! Lurking behind any of these turns or in the beautiful post-industrial embankments could be an imp. Christ Allmighty! I feel almost too scared to take the train from Paddington to Gloucester Road these days, not to mention getting off anywhere near Altgate East.

After making what seemed to be a safe transfer from Circle to District and riding un-imped all the way to King's Cross, I noticed this strange sign on my way to Cambridge via Stevenage, Hitchen and that ever so unappealing hamlet of Letchworth Garden City:

Impster indeed! So, the news is spreading. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of my dedicated impsters, from sunny Sana'a to chintzy Chicago and every post-post-industrial fallout inbetween.

Keep pixin', circlin', prowlin' and molin'.

impsies on gchat

2007-07-17T11:18:00.001-07:00

impsie: thx

imp: r wlcm

impsie: blw me

imp: fck

impsie: yr n asmnky

1:15 PM imp: w r whrbg

g fck r mthr

impsie: mt s wll -- i rrdy hd yrz

1:16 PM imp: wht?

impsie: i mt s wll fck my mthr -- i rrdy hd yrz

imp: hhhhh

fckr

1:17 PM bstrd

trll

impsie: i hrt you

1:18 PM imp: k

,l,,

clubbin' impsies

2007-07-17T10:06:00.001-07:00

impsie on the left.

beersin' and roxin' at the cobra lounge, chicago il.
approximate time: 11:45pm
notes: inappropriate sunnies,
sassy 'do,
"we sweas" expression

how to spot an IMPz

2007-07-17T01:34:00.001-07:00

Imp-zoids $arah + M@ film an exclusive interview with an impZ in the BX. "We caughts it sitsing in the park down under the Westchester Square subway station, sirs!" What, what?

Imps are clearly born, not made.

2007-07-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

While still too young for kindergarten, impish characteristics have already emerged. Accessories and "title" t-shirt combined with excess sass indicate that this is clearly not an imp-in-training, but rather a fully developed imp who has run out of cell phone minutes.

Nature or Nurture?

2007-07-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

Alas the time has come for IMPZ to enter the age-old debate of nature vs. nurture. and which shall prevail? arguments in support of either side are welcome.....

IMpz in higher EDucatyion

2007-07-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

IMPZ read? notice imp with smallish "library" situation. reads include "about me:" childcraft - circa '76. and "why can't u behave: rogevin."

how strange.

IMPS INVADE FACEBOOK

2007-07-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

WARNING Imps have infiltrated facebook STOP Thoughts they was too young but heres theys is STOP Advise all facebooking impspotters to keep a careful eye STOP Be on lookout for beer hats STOP shiny jewelry STOP gloss STOP Wall posting new form of mischief FULL STOP

Djinnimp spotting in Old Sana'a

2007-06-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

Djinnimp spotted today in the old city. I was walking back from qat chewing and a young djinn-impsie (looked about 7 in human years, but only God knows how old it really was) walking down the lane. It was carrying a green "exit" sign (Arabic AND English it must have pilfered from a hotel or government building). She spotted me and my friend and yelled "exit, exit" a few times and then stuck out her impish tongue-zoid at me and ran off. Goodness, gratious! Notes for djinnimps: stick to older neighborhoods, 'round the corner from souqs. Best spotting times during qat chewing hours. Usually will have pilfered items of infrastructure... other possibilities are old wooden doors and rusty pipes that can be used as jambiyya deterrants.

Caught Pixin'

2007-06-25T03:10:00.000-07:00

Got caught pixin' from my balcony last night. Damn. Trying to pix impsies lowering bucket down to cafe to collect teas and sandwiches from Fawzy and the little orange light attracted attention. Going to have to lay low for a couple of days and stay away from the cafe and souq al-tawfiqiyya. Expect pixes upon arrival to Yemen.

Dangerous Encounter...

2007-06-22T07:18:00.001-07:00

I'm afraid I got a bit carried away last weekend. In a covert imp-tracking operation, I was going undercover, posing as "one of thems." Suspicion was piqued, however, and these two ipsies turned on me. In order to escape, I had to override the child-safety lock, tuck, and roll.

A trip to suburban east anglia - imps rooted out

2007-06-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the [dis]pleasure of leaving the greater London area. Unfortunately, my train to Cambridge was re-routed via bus through the lovely hamlets of Letchworth Garden "City", Royston and Stevenage. I didn't see any imps directly, but I did some sniffing around to see what might turn up.

The oldest roundabout in the UK (established 1909) was fortunately on our route, and - let me tell you - it certainly was still in operation. It provided the road with traffic control system that was both smartly landscaped and ergonomic. Seeing how many Britons flock down the route between Stevenage and Letchworth on a daily basis, i'm sure glad that roundabout was there.

Most of the area was composed of houses like this one. Not really the ideal place for imps to be lurkin about, but you never know. I'll bet there are some old tunnels radiating from zone 6 down by the M25 that have given the urban impsies a chance to invade this lovely, well-maintained slice of East Anglia.

Of course, there was an abandoned factory in the Royston indsustrial park that must have been teaming with impsies. Keep a close watch on this area for future sightings. I daresay I won't be going back that way for a while though.

2007-06-17T11:10:00.001-07:00

spotted same fence-scaling imp later that night- engaging in some sort of photoshoot (with himself). overheard..."we loves the camera. we loves it. work it work it."

imp on fence

2007-06-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

saw an imp trying to scale a fence.
think he was trying to get to the abandoned warehouse freight elevator.
kept saying something about "we rides it up and down. up and down."
how strange.

Imp spotting 6/17/07

2007-06-16T14:17:00.001-07:00

[Impsie on right]
Imp spotting this morning on the district line
Location: London, SW3, Zone 1 - Earl's Court Station (District/Picadilly Lines)
Date: 6/16/07
Time: 11:11 AM
Destination: Probably to the club or to get gloss

spotted an IMPz in the warehouse

2007-06-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

yeah so...
just molin' around my fav. warehouse in the BX and spotted an imp trying to scale the fence...

Joinz teh Cauz

2007-06-15T11:26:00.001-07:00

Rada Yovovich

Age: 23 yrs.
Location: Chicago
Occupation: Corporate Sassbot

Strengths: Pixin'

IMP SIGHTING 6/13/07

2007-06-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

[impsie on left]

Location: London SW3, Zone 5
Origin Tube stop: Houndslow Central
Time: 11:00 AM
Destination tube stop: Green Park
Final destination: the club, no doubt
Accessories: Gum, Gloss, other Makeups

How to spot an imp: Location

2007-06-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

So, where are imps located [see below for looks-n-speech]? Imps are usually seen at night. They are usually found in clubbing districts in Atlantic Seaboard cities or in similar post-industrial fallout/urban renewal centers such as Chicago. If you were in New York, you would need to head downtown or to Brooklyn to see imps... although they could be anywhere at any time.

Subway stops are a great place to see imps. Look for them lurking around the turnstyles trying to get a free ride and/or causing havoc on the platform.

In London, a great place to see imps is down along Edgware Road.

This place is crawling with 24 hour kabob joints and shishas. Look for trixies and rude girls knocking about narguilas, harassing coal attendants and generally causing all sorts of havoc.
Imps will usually travel in packs on the subway or on the road.
Imps may or may not have boyfriends. If they do, rest assured that they will be here:

They'll be trying on trainers upstairs or touting hoodies out the door and getting into spats with the owners. Threats such as "What blood? I'll call me crew!" and "Feel free to hate, I ain't tryin' to be ur mate!" are empty and, more often than not, come from Dizzee Rascal lyrics.

Whilst their boyfreinds are trying on shoes, the imps will be here racking up exhorbitant prices on their credit cards and topping up their mobiles.

If not there, they might be prowlin', checking out hottsies like this one:

Note: Imps are not all the same and their styles and manners and places where they hang out change from city to city. Other good locations to check in London are at Sainsbury's Local, where they will undoubtedly be in the accessories section, or alternately, checking out the crisps and the biscuits.

How to Spot an Imp: Looks and Speech

2007-06-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

Here is a short tutorial for imp-spottin. It's difficult, but anyone can learn how to do it if you have the right street smarts, what? what?

What do imps look like: Good question. Now I'll answer it.

To tell the truth, imps look a lot like humans. Here are some pictures of co-imp snatcher Sarah imitating them (she does a damn good job, I'll say!)

Things to note: Accessories!
- [Huge] suns (£10-100)
- Cigs (£ 5)
- Hoodie w/ dogs and fire-hydrants (£25)
- Trinkets (£20-30)
- SASS (£ 0)

Imps usually may be identified by their sassy demeanor and loud, obnoxious voices. "What? What?" They use incorrect grammatical constructions like employing the 3ps verbal endings with the 1pp pronoun when referring to themselves - either one or multiple. So, instead of saying: "I swear I didn't trip the fire alarm, sir!," it would say: "We swears we didsn't trips the fire-alarm, sir!"

Imp verb paradigm:

[To swear]
1ps [we] swears
2ps [you] swears
3ps [it] swears
1pp [wes] swears's
3pp [you] swears's

Imp Snatchers - The Few and the Proud

2007-06-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

A small introduction to those of us who have dedicated our life to imp snatchin. It isn't an easy task, and usually involves late hours, circlin, prowlin, and a shedload of molin.

Matt Saba - Age: 23 yrs.
Location: Chicago/NY/London/Cairo/Yemen
Occupation: Wine/shisha manager
Strengths: Circlin'

Sarah Buccleugh
Age: 24 yrs.
Location: New York (The Bronx)
Occupation: Gum and Gloss Specialist
Strength: Molin'

Other imp snatchers should ring or bell me asap in order to get their profiles up.